Anita’s Journey to Becoming an Attuned Parent – From Emotional Absence to Emotional Presence

Introduction – Setting the Scene

Growing up in what many would call a loving home, I was truly grateful.
Like many good parents, mine gave me fabulous food, safe shelter, and excellent education.

But if I am honest, the one area I would change is the way emotions were handled.
Whenever I was sad, scared, overwhelmed, or even excited—there was CHAOS.

It is only now, as an adult, that I realise my parents were seriously challenged in this area.

With five children to raise, my father worked long hours in a physically and mentally demanding job.
Understandably exhausted, he came home to six people needing his time, love, and attention—more than his already-depleted emotional supply could give.

This pressure often showed up as frustration… which looked and felt like anger he did not know how to release.

My mother, trying her best, stretched herself thin to keep everyone happy—while deep down, she struggled to make herself happy.

My siblings added humour where they could, often making light of emotional challenges by ridiculing me when I cried.
I now suspect that my vulnerability made them uncomfortable.

So instead of hearing:
“How are you feeling?”
I often heard:
“That’s enough—you’re getting too excited!”
“Here, here… okay—alright, stop crying now…”
And at worst:
“I’ll give you something to cry about!”

Instead of learning:
“Your feelings matter,”
I learned:
“Your feelings are too much. They are a burden. Keep them to yourself.”

So I learned early that emotions were something to hide, not share.

Childhood – Learning Absence

At school, when I was teased, I did not question the behaviour.
I did not defend myself.
I suppressed and silenced the anger I felt, then later cried quietly in my room.

I wanted someone to notice me.
I wanted someone to sit with me and reassure me that I mattered.

But I did not speak up.
I stayed silent.
And comfort never came.

As I kept suppressing, the heaviness of unexpressed emotions grew.
I began to believe my feelings were a burden—
that they hurt me,
that they inconvenienced others,
that expressing them would make people feel bad or uncomfortable.

So I shut them down even more.

I smiled when I was hurting.
I stayed quiet when I wanted to speak.
I hid my needs, telling myself:
“If I don’t bother anyone, maybe they’ll love me more.”

Teenage Years – Silencing Myself

As a teenager, my silence turned into invisibility.

I did not speak up when friends hurt me.
I said nothing when I was bullied.
I stayed quiet even when schoolwork overwhelmed me.

I kept saying “yes” when everything in me wanted to say “no.”

Without realising it, I was training myself to ignore my own needs.

Other people’s voices became louder…
their needs more visible…
their demands more important.

Because I ignored my needs,
I attracted relationships that ignored them too.

Adulthood – The Cycle Deepens

Those patterns followed me into adulthood.

• In friendships, I gave and gave until I was drained and unappreciated.

• In my career, I worked hard but never negotiated for promotions or recognition.

• In my marriage, I kept the peace by staying silent—even when my heart was breaking.

Deep down, I longed for real connection.
But because I had never learned to identify or voice my emotional needs,
I became emotionally absent—not only to others, but to myself.

This absence showed up as:

• Self-neglect instead of self-love

• Numbness instead of joy

• Burnout instead of balance

• Loneliness, even in a crowd

And then came the labels:

“I am needy.”
“I am attention-seeking.”
“I am a people pleaser.”

But in truth,
I was just a woman longing for the basic human need of emotional presence and connection.

My Turning Point – Meeting a Therapeutic Coach

My turning point came unexpectedly—
at a parent’s evening.

I listened as my daughter’s teacher described her as inattentive, disruptive, and an “attention seeker.”

Those words pierced me.
They brought back the sting of my own childhood—
when I too had been labelled.

In that moment, I was not disappointed in my daughter.
I was disappointed in myself.

I realised these unhealthy emotional habits had been passed down through me.

For the first time, I felt a deep, unwavering resolve:

The cycle ends here. With me.

I promised myself that no unhealthy emotional pattern would continue through my line.

I started searching for help.
I was weary of therapy because I did not see myself as “ill.”
But I knew there was so much I did not understand about emotional and mental health.

I needed someone to teach me.
To train me.
To guide me.

That was when I discovered therapeutic coaching, through a friend I confided in.

She explained that while not everyone needs therapy,
we all can benefit from coaching to develop healthy emotional habits and skills.

For the first time in my life,
I sat with someone who did not judge or silence me—
but listened deeply.

Someone who reflected my worth
and gently guided me into emotional awareness.

Through coaching, I began to learn:

✅ Self-awareness

I learned to notice, acknowledge, and accept my feelings
instead of ignoring, pushing down, or numbing them.

✅ Self-management

I began using emotional intelligence tools such as:

• meditation

• mindful breathing

• EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)

• thought reframing

• journaling

to process emotions and stay attuned to myself.

✅ Healthy Connection Skills

I practised assertiveness by using
“I feel…” and “I need…”
without shame—
instead of shutting down.

I also began to understand that healthy relationships
honour both giving and receiving.

I started to see my old patterns clearly—
how neglecting myself created emptiness,
how silence built resentment,
how emotional absence stole my peace.

Transformation – Growing with My Child

Slowly, I began to change my emotional and mental habits.

And now, I am still growing.
I am not perfect,
but I am present.

As a mother, I now teach my child that feelings matter—and that learning to manage them in a healthy way brings confidence and joy.

It was hard letting go of the outdated idea that I must control and manage my child for our peace and happiness, but I am so glad I did. I now understand that I can’t give what I don’t have—and that has freed me.

I prioritise nurturing my own emotional intelligence because being an attuned parent begins with being attuned to myself—by first learning to see and hear what is happening inside me. There is no way I would have gained emotional awareness without intentionally acknowledging my own emotions, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and triggers, no matter how overwhelming or hard it felt at times.

With increased emotional awareness, I am practising self-management—through meditation, tapping (EFT), or The Sedona Method. I gently dismantle the emotional walls that can keep me disconnected, unavailable, or reactive. These tools help regulate my nervous system, bring clarity under pressure, and allow me to approach my child from a grounded, centred place, so I respond rather than react.

Because of this, I not only model and teach emotional health,
I am becoming an emotionally attuned parent who shares the experience of emotional safety with my children.

I know that my child doesn’t need a perfect version of me—
they need a present one.

They need me as a parent who is aware, reflective, and willing to repair when I get it wrong. Every time I pause, model humility and self-correction, or even apologise, I show my child what emotional health and maturity look like in action. My child learns from my example, not just my instructions—and I naturally become the kind of leader my child wants to follow.

For me, this is what real leadership in parenting truly means.
I never imagined I would be the one saying that I am allowing the experience of parenting to shape and refine me, but that is exactly what is happening. It is sobering and humbling to know that I am growing with my child.

With this growth mindset, I honour parenting as a relationship that evolves me and as a journey that continuously invites me to expand emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

I can honestly say this is what helps me stay curious rather than critical,
open rather than rigid,
and more focused on connection rather than control.

With this healthy attitude, I embrace each new stage of my child’s development
not as a challenge to survive or control,
but as an opportunity for mutual growth and transformation.

Growing with my child means embracing parenting as a sacred process of becoming—for both of us.

It’s not just about shaping my child;
it’s about allowing the experience of parenting to shape and refine me too.

It calls me to heal old patterns, to respond instead of react,
and to become the living model of emotional intelligence and self-leadership
that my child will one day emulate.

Every stage of my child’s growth becomes a mirror—
revealing my capacity for patience, presence, and transformation.

Some moments stretch me; others soften me.
But in each one lies an invitation to grow deeper in awareness, compassion, and grace.

And every time I meet that reflection with humility—
choosing to learn instead of control—
I strengthen not only my bond with my child but also my connection with my true self.

In this growth journey, I am privileged to witness my child grow increasingly independent, capable, and confident—
while I grow more emotionally intelligent, flexible, and attuned.

In the end, the greatest legacy I want to leave my child isn’t my management—
it’s my modelling.

Because when I lead myself with love, integrity, and self-awareness,
my child learns that true leadership begins within.

Growing in Other Relationships

As I become more emotionally attuned and present,
I am seeing myself thrive and become:

• A wife who communicates her needs, building intimacy instead of distance.

• A friend and sister who both gives and receives support.

• A career woman who speaks up confidently and negotiates her worth.

• An accountability partner who recognises that supporting others begins with supporting myself.

• A business partner who collaborates to create genuine win–win solutions.

Every challenge, whether it is, conflict at home, stress at work or tension in relationships becomes an opportunity to practise:

• meditation

• prayer

• emotional check-ins

• taking time out

• reframing negative thoughts

• EFT

• the Release Technique

• safe conversations

Each tool strengthens new emotional skills.

I am learning.
I am growing.
I am becoming emotionally present.

Conclusion – The Invitation

My story is not just mine.
It is the story of countless people
who silence themselves,
ignore their needs,
and wear the label
“too much”
or
“too needy.”

But I want you to know:

• Healing is possible.

• Growth is possible.

• Emotional presence is a learnable skill.

With the support of an agent of change—
a therapeutic coach, counsellor, or therapist—
anyone can break free from unhealthy patterns
and step into:

• self-awareness

• self-management

• healthy connection

Imagine the ripple effect:
parents who are attuned, connected, and empowered—
building lifelong relationships
with children, spouses, families, colleagues, and communities.

The invitation is simple:

✨ Don’t stay absent from yourself.
Step into presence.
Learn to attend to your needs.
Partner with those who support your growth.

As you attune to yourself,
you become an attuned partner—
a healthier parent, spouse, friend, leader, and human being.

This is how your relationships—and your life—begin to transform.

✨ Reflective Questions

• Have you ever silenced your own needs just to keep the peace?

• What would you need to learn and grow in to become emotionally present?

• What would change in your life if you gave yourself permission to be emotionally healthy?

🌱 Ready to Begin Your Journey to Attuned Parenting?

If you’ve ever wondered why you sometimes feel disconnected from your child—or even from yourself—
this may be the missing link.

Book a call https://breezehighflyers.co/call to start your journey to becoming an attuned parent.